IN BAGUIO

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Having a depression in a country that’s known for being happy.

Philippines is a place that’s full of life, quirks and has unending energy. In the country where we see depression or even seeking a psychiatrist as an act of being crazy. This is country where everybody smiles and welcomes you with open arms. Having a depression in a country that’s known for being happy despite being poor is hard to accept.

I’ve been battling with my inner demon as young as 9 years old I didn’t know it at first but I knew I was sad and I always think about ending my life just to end my sadness. I had a happy childhood I was just not a happy child. When I was 9, I just came back from a 3 day camp and it was one of the happiest days of my life. But when I returned home I realize that I was too happy, I got scared because I might not feel this kind of happiness anymore so took a handful of pills just to end my life. Nothing happened because those were just vitamin c tablets and I just fell asleep the entire day, nobody knew I attempted to kill myself because they thought I was just too tired from camp. As I grew up I got sadder and sadder. Everyday has been and struggle to me and the feeling of smiling when you’re sad it felt like Manny Pacquiao punching my insides and the inner battle gets very tiring.

I asked for help in my junior year in high school because now I wasn’t only battling with sadness but also anorexia. Just going to the guidance office to ask for help is hard because I know there were only 2 types of kids who go there; the kids who did bad and those teacher’s pet who wanted extra credits. I went inside and told my story I felt like layers of clothes stripped off me, minute by minute I felt more and more vulnerable at the end of the session I felt bare. I left the room feeling lighter but more confuse because my anxiety has now taken its toll I would think; what if they see me as a weak person? What if the guidance counselor thought I was acting out? Depression is taboo in the Philippines, what if they think I was just looking for attention? Those questions consumed me entirely and I was back at being depress. I avoided my guidance counselor. I tried my best to focus on doing good in school and help in the school’s charity programs, little by little I was getting better I even thought maybe I was just acting out and asking for attention. I started to believe depression is nonsense and Filipinos never get depress because it’s in our culture to always be happy.

Then a year ago, I started struggling with balancing my work and personal life. I felt like life is getting more and more out of control and the pressure is always at my back. I started my childish adolescent pattern again and this time I thought drinking would help. Then one Wednesday night as I failed to open a jar of nata de coco (my favorite) something as petty as that I felt hopeless and weak, the demons inside me knew that this was my breaking point. I sat at the edge of my 26nd floor apartment balcony ready to end everything. As I was about to end it the phone rang and I realize this was a mistake. I started acknowledging my depression.

I asked for help because I knew I cannot do this alone. Talked to a few people about it and learned that pain and suffering is inevitable but so is happiness. I am still battling depression up until this point and this battle might be never ending but I know that this time just acknowledging it and doing something about it can greatly help me. Just knowing that depression can happen to anyone even the happiest of race.

3 Realizations after my blind dates

I’ve been single since God knows when, there were meet-ups and dating. But after my nonexistent relationship was cut short and my recent breakdown I thought I knew I was ready for love. I told one of my friends about it and she suggested a blind date. She said she knew a guy looking for love, an architecture student and his in her boyfriend’s band. The old me would pass that up because I hate not having to know or even facebook search my date but if I wanted to meet my soul mate, I should leave my comfort zone.

He wanted to meet up at a local underground bar. For starters I’m not an underground rock band type of girl, I’m more on a coffee shop type. But since I wanted to take the risk why not?! In a sea full of black and grey outfits I was the only one who wore a white floral mini skirt and a bubble gum yellow top. Then I saw him. He’s a 6 foot 130 pound guy who has a mustache and 2 tunnel earrings with a steam punk meets Ivy League outfit not my usual dates but why not take a risk. After a 3 hours of loud music, warm beer and a crowd of crazy mosh pit, I knew this won’t work.

I told my friend about the date and she introduced me to another guy. This time he was a clean cut, non-smoking Christian guy who could definitely pass as a J. Crew model. He was nice and charming but something was missing. I also knew this won’t work.

After those dates I analyzed myself and figured that the problem is not the Church Goer Guy or the Underground Rock Dude, I was the problem. Here are my 3 realizations:

 

When you’re not open, it won’t work.

 

I really thought I was comfortable with blind dates or the idea if meeting someone but I know at the back of my mind I’m not yet ready. I really regret those dates because it could have been the best dates of my life but I wasn’t emotionally ready yet even if I force it to be.

 

It’s okay to be single for a while, no need to rush.

 

When I realized I wasn’t open for a relationship and the thought of possibly be heartbroken again is not something I’m at ease with. I should learn to deal with my issues and my self-destructive self before barging in to someone else’s life.

 

Keep looking for the spark.

 

I prayed for a nice guy who will treat me well and both of my blind dates seemed like good guys but I wasn’t interested, the entire night I was looking at their flaws and focusing on them. I had a hard time finding a flaw with the Church Goer but at the end even if I was having so much fun I was missing the spark and I knew that was the end.

Rabbit inside my head.

I could only see you though the flickering lights even just a glimpse of your face ignites the feelings I have towards you. I’ve always wanted to tell you that I adore you but the rabbit inside my head reminded me what happened the last time I fell in love; “he is just like the last guy, remember what happened before” my rabbit kept saying. As the music plays and you telling to me about your philosophical ideas, I was battling with my mind and the rabbit was winning. Giving me instances on why I shouldn’t say what I wanted to say. My rabbit was pointing out your quirks like the way you bite your nails, the way you’re unsure about your future, your obsessive fascinations with the supernatural and your unapologetic nose picking. I decided not to tell you at that point giving myself a mental note on why I don’t like you then as I was about to raise my white flag in defeat; you smiled at me, you don’t look like James Dean but I knew you are my James Dean and I was willing to accept those flaws my rabbit kept aiming. The lyrics of Momus song perfectly sums up my feelings towards you.

 

I like you, and I’d like you to like me to like 

 But I don’t need you

Don’t need you to want me to like you

Because if you didn’t like me      

I would still like you, you see

La la la

 La la la

 

The song was playing in my head over and over again. The battle with the rabbit continues and this time I had Momus to back me up. I took another shot of tequila and told you how I felt. It wasn’t poetic nor romantic because I couldn’t organize my thoughts maybe because of the tequila or the tiny elephants running in my heart. I told you that I like you so much but I’m not sure if I like you all the time that sounded stupid but it was the exact feelings I have towards you. I really hoped that you like me too but you said you wanted to find yourself first and that was a fucking lame excuse. I was shattered inside but I didn’t show it, I pretended to brush it off and enjoyed the night. My rabbit was right and he was proud of it; I thought I won the battle but I got tarnished in the end. I told my rabbit one day you’ll see, I’ll find someone and I’ll prove you wrong.

6 Reasons why you shouldn’t date your Officemate.

Before I write the reasons let me apologize. I’ve posted 1 entry in this blog, I know Sarah is the only reason people are still reading this blog and I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more active in this site because I’ve been busy is my (other) writings. Instead of fashion and items, I’ll be posting relationship advise and my own personal love mishaps.

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If it won’t work out it will be awkward.

You have 50/50 chances of this relationship will work out. Mine didn’t and now everything is so awkward I’m loathing it. You’ll strategically think of plans on not bumping to him at the pantry, not to mention the elevator situations will always be a torture you’ll start to think — since when did reaching the 17th floor felt like an eternity.

You’ll still be undeniably attracted to him but you can’t show it.

You’re the first one to notice his new shirt or that he just got a really nice haircut. You want to jump right to him and give him the kiss of a lifetime but you remembered you just broke up. Even if you’re compelled to complement him you cannot, you’d rather chew your own leg then tell him he looks hot.

NO MORE LUNCH BUDDIES

In my situation we were both newbies and we instantly became lunch buddies. Now that we’ve separated he now eats alone and I’m still in search for people who I could have lunch with. I will forever think of him every time I see a grilled cheese sandwich. He ruined grilled cheese for me.

Dating game.

The game is simple the first one to have a date wins, sadly I lost. When I heard he’s dating that cute intern on the 3rd floor I was furious. I begun to pry on them from afar and checking her facebook like nobody’s business. I’ve now started a hobby on mocking her duck face selfies while chugging on a glass of cheap wine and I don’t know when will this stop.

Rumormongers

When you were both together you hated their guts because they gossip about you like you were freaking Brad and Angelina now you still hate them but at the same time you want to hear the latest gossip they have on your Ex.

Mixing business with pleasure

You just got the job you’ve always dreamed of and your boss is an angel but after the break-up the idea of going to work is nerve racking. Both of you don’t want to leave the office so you’ll both settle seeing each other and pretend everything is alright.