Catch me if you can: The Ups and Downs of the chasing someone that’s not into you.

The feeling of chasing someone that’s clearly is not into you is like an addicting drug. First you’ve gain interest on the subject. Research about it, get fascinated, and entirely be consumed with the thought of it. You started create countless scenarios on your wedding day or your anniversary or even the warm snuggles on a rainy day. Then you’ve gathered enough courage to tell him your feelings but he didn’t feel the same way. You stopped for a while, feeling devastated but the devastation turned into determination. You have to have him. The more he became emotionally unavailable the more interested you have become. Eventually, complaining to your friends on how you’re questioning your self-worth and they’ll console you tell you to stop this addiction. You thank them for realizing he’s not worth it but eventually a text from him will put you back into the downward spiral you’ve created. Words like “He’ll come around and he’ll think of me as a prize..eventually or I’m his last destination he’ll realize that” will always come into your head. Here you are again the adrenaline of the chase it feels like an emotional marathon but the finish line is far from over but you’re enjoying it because you know this all worth it in the end.

Optimistic you are at the outcome.

Then the moment has come; he said he loves you too.

Those words you’ve been wanting to hear has finally came. His devotion for you is uncanny. But suddenly the addiction also stopped like when you’re taking too much cocaine you don’t feel the kick anymore. That’s what happened to you.

When he returned the love, the chase is over and you’re not sure if you wanted it to end. The moment he said those words you lost interest. The scenarios you’ve created in your head has now turned into a reality and you love the idea more than the actual thing. Suddenly you realized you were addicted to the chase but disappointed with the outcome. You even hate the way he gets toothpaste from the tube (you push it at the bottom not at the middle). You’re sorry you really are, you made him think you love him but in fact you’re just confuse and bored you have so much energy you gave it all on him. Now you’re compelled to continue this because the guilt of making someone fall in love with you and realizing you don’t love him back is just a horrible thought, one day you’ll break-up with him but maybe not today.

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Having a depression in a country that’s known for being happy.

Philippines is a place that’s full of life, quirks and has unending energy. In the country where we see depression or even seeking a psychiatrist as an act of being crazy. This is country where everybody smiles and welcomes you with open arms. Having a depression in a country that’s known for being happy despite being poor is hard to accept.

I’ve been battling with my inner demon as young as 9 years old I didn’t know it at first but I knew I was sad and I always think about ending my life just to end my sadness. I had a happy childhood I was just not a happy child. When I was 9, I just came back from a 3 day camp and it was one of the happiest days of my life. But when I returned home I realize that I was too happy, I got scared because I might not feel this kind of happiness anymore so took a handful of pills just to end my life. Nothing happened because those were just vitamin c tablets and I just fell asleep the entire day, nobody knew I attempted to kill myself because they thought I was just too tired from camp. As I grew up I got sadder and sadder. Everyday has been and struggle to me and the feeling of smiling when you’re sad it felt like Manny Pacquiao punching my insides and the inner battle gets very tiring.

I asked for help in my junior year in high school because now I wasn’t only battling with sadness but also anorexia. Just going to the guidance office to ask for help is hard because I know there were only 2 types of kids who go there; the kids who did bad and those teacher’s pet who wanted extra credits. I went inside and told my story I felt like layers of clothes stripped off me, minute by minute I felt more and more vulnerable at the end of the session I felt bare. I left the room feeling lighter but more confuse because my anxiety has now taken its toll I would think; what if they see me as a weak person? What if the guidance counselor thought I was acting out? Depression is taboo in the Philippines, what if they think I was just looking for attention? Those questions consumed me entirely and I was back at being depress. I avoided my guidance counselor. I tried my best to focus on doing good in school and help in the school’s charity programs, little by little I was getting better I even thought maybe I was just acting out and asking for attention. I started to believe depression is nonsense and Filipinos never get depress because it’s in our culture to always be happy.

Then a year ago, I started struggling with balancing my work and personal life. I felt like life is getting more and more out of control and the pressure is always at my back. I started my childish adolescent pattern again and this time I thought drinking would help. Then one Wednesday night as I failed to open a jar of nata de coco (my favorite) something as petty as that I felt hopeless and weak, the demons inside me knew that this was my breaking point. I sat at the edge of my 26nd floor apartment balcony ready to end everything. As I was about to end it the phone rang and I realize this was a mistake. I started acknowledging my depression.

I asked for help because I knew I cannot do this alone. Talked to a few people about it and learned that pain and suffering is inevitable but so is happiness. I am still battling depression up until this point and this battle might be never ending but I know that this time just acknowledging it and doing something about it can greatly help me. Just knowing that depression can happen to anyone even the happiest of race.

3 Realizations after my blind dates

I’ve been single since God knows when, there were meet-ups and dating. But after my nonexistent relationship was cut short and my recent breakdown I thought I knew I was ready for love. I told one of my friends about it and she suggested a blind date. She said she knew a guy looking for love, an architecture student and his in her boyfriend’s band. The old me would pass that up because I hate not having to know or even facebook search my date but if I wanted to meet my soul mate, I should leave my comfort zone.

He wanted to meet up at a local underground bar. For starters I’m not an underground rock band type of girl, I’m more on a coffee shop type. But since I wanted to take the risk why not?! In a sea full of black and grey outfits I was the only one who wore a white floral mini skirt and a bubble gum yellow top. Then I saw him. He’s a 6 foot 130 pound guy who has a mustache and 2 tunnel earrings with a steam punk meets Ivy League outfit not my usual dates but why not take a risk. After a 3 hours of loud music, warm beer and a crowd of crazy mosh pit, I knew this won’t work.

I told my friend about the date and she introduced me to another guy. This time he was a clean cut, non-smoking Christian guy who could definitely pass as a J. Crew model. He was nice and charming but something was missing. I also knew this won’t work.

After those dates I analyzed myself and figured that the problem is not the Church Goer Guy or the Underground Rock Dude, I was the problem. Here are my 3 realizations:

 

When you’re not open, it won’t work.

 

I really thought I was comfortable with blind dates or the idea if meeting someone but I know at the back of my mind I’m not yet ready. I really regret those dates because it could have been the best dates of my life but I wasn’t emotionally ready yet even if I force it to be.

 

It’s okay to be single for a while, no need to rush.

 

When I realized I wasn’t open for a relationship and the thought of possibly be heartbroken again is not something I’m at ease with. I should learn to deal with my issues and my self-destructive self before barging in to someone else’s life.

 

Keep looking for the spark.

 

I prayed for a nice guy who will treat me well and both of my blind dates seemed like good guys but I wasn’t interested, the entire night I was looking at their flaws and focusing on them. I had a hard time finding a flaw with the Church Goer but at the end even if I was having so much fun I was missing the spark and I knew that was the end.